At the time I was scheduled to release a blog post a couple of weeks ago, I wrote about my experience of the devastation of narcissism and other forms of abuse in families and marriages, when, just prior to submitting that post, my father passed away.
The loss of my father impacted me in a profound way, as I can only imagine how the loss of one’s parent in a divorce could impact a child. Since my father passed away just months before my parents would have celebrated 65 years of marriage, my only experience with the loss of parents through divorce comes through my 32 years practicing as a divorce lawyer, and, sadly, now I have some context and understanding.
What all of this has taught me is that how things happen can impact the legacy left upon children who lose a parent in death, similarly to how children lose their parents, in a sense, through divorce. My father was always positive; a man of great Faith, a man who always looked to do for others, a man that always loved and cherished his wife, and was always there and provided for his children. So, although the loss of my father is devastating, I live to carry on his great legacy.
It was how my Pops lived that allows me to move forward in a positive way. It is the same for parents going through divorce. Their words, their actions, and how each parent treats the other teaches children tremendously during this devastating process. The words and actions of the parents will all be heard, seen, internalized, analyzed, and scrutinized by the children of that family. This, I believe, will largely determine the health, mentally and emotionally, of those children after the divorce.
Choose to divorce respectfully, with forgiveness, and even lovingly, as it will become part of the legacy you will leave your children for them to carry on in their lives, their marriages, and in their future roles as parents. Each of us has many scars and wounds from the pain we have suffered in our lives, and even maybe in marriage, but that does not mean we have to inflict further pain or scars upon our children.
James M. Quigley, Equity Partner
For more on Mr. Quigley please visit: www.beermannlaw.com/team/james-m-quigley
